Confidence may get you noticed, but humility is what makes people want to work with you, trust you and spend time with you. That is the argument of Australian mentalist and human behaviour expert Andy Nunn, who believes admitting you are wrong is not only the right thing to do but one of the most attractive things a person can do.
Nunn, who uses mentalism and behavioural insights to show how easily the mind is swayed by assumptions and bias, says many people try to be likeable by looking tough, smart and confident. He warns that this is the wrong approach.
“Stop trying so hard to prove you’re right and start showing people how vulnerable you are and that you do get things wrong,” Nunn said.
“One of the most attractive qualities a person can demonstrate has nothing to do with appearance, status, money, charisma or being constantly right. It is humility, the ability to show your vulnerable side. To be honest, it is downright magnetic.”
Confident humility
Nunn calls the quality he is describing confident humility. “It means having the confidence to make decisions and express an opinion while retaining enough humility to accept that you might be wrong,” he said.
He says the people we most enjoy being around tend to listen, ask questions, laugh at themselves and admit when they do not know something. “That isn’t weakness, it shows strength of character because it takes enormous confidence to stop defending your ego,” Nunn said.
Four words worth learning
Nunn wants everyone to use the phrase ‘I could be wrong’ more often. He believes society rewards certainty at the expense of getting things right.
“Unfortunately, our society encourages people to come to a decision or form an opinion immediately and then defend it vigorously because it is seen as weakness to change our mind,” he said.
The problem, according to Nunn, is that minds are less objective than we assume. Confirmation bias can encourage us to notice information that supports what we already think. Anchoring can let early information weigh too heavily on later judgement, and sunk-cost bias can keep people committed to decisions simply because they have already invested in them.
“Our brains are brilliant storytellers. We form an interpretation and very quickly start treating that interpretation as fact. Humility creates a little gap between what we think and what we know,” he said.
He adds that nobody needs to become indecisive. “Be confident enough to make the call and humble enough to change it when better evidence arrives.”
Five ways to start
Nunn says humility is not about making yourself look smaller. It is about bringing less ego into everyday conversations.
His first suggestion is to stop waiting for your turn to talk. “If somebody is speaking and you’re already thinking about what you are going to say in response, you’re not really listening,” he said.
Second, say I don’t know without embarrassment, which he says shows you are willing to learn rather than bluff. Third, when someone says something you think is wrong, ask what you might be missing instead of pointing out the mistake. “You can still disagree strongly but you’re creating space for information you may not have considered,” he said.
Fourth, work out the facts rather than relying on assumptions, and ask what evidence would change your view. Fifth, admit mistakes quickly.
Nunn says there is no point spending 20 minutes explaining why you were technically almost right. “Apologise and ask what needs to happen now. People will respect you more if you take this approach,” he said.
At home and at work
Nunn says the same principle can change personal relationships, because many arguments stop being about the original problem and become a contest over who is right. “Someone who can genuinely listen to you without constantly needing to win is incredibly attractive,” he said.
In the workplace he encourages leaders to ask teams for ideas, reasoning and trade-offs rather than simply handing down answers. “Leaders that don’t show humility end up creating a culture of yes people where innovation dies,” he said. “A good leader is someone who offers their view and then asks what they are missing.”
The 24 hour challenge
Nunn is challenging people to spend a day noticing every time they want to correct someone, interrupt, prove they are right or have the final word. Before responding, he suggests asking three questions. What do I know, what am I assuming and what could change my mind?
“You may discover how often you’re not defending a fact at all. You’re defending a story, an assumption or your ego,” he said.
Nunn is a TEDx speaker and keynote presenter who has performed professionally since 2019 and has worked with organisations including Google, Amazon, EY and Ralph Lauren. He is based on the Central Coast of New South Wales.
“You don’t become smaller by showing humility, you become someone other people actually want to listen to. And yes, that’s attractive,” he said.
