Romantic partnership was once closely tied to cohabitation, but that link is weakening. Sociologists describe a growing pattern known as “living apart together” (LAT): couples in ongoing intimate relationships who deliberately maintain separate households while remaining emotionally and often financially connected.
It is not a new phenomenon, but it is becoming more visible as solo living increases. According to the 2023 Census, one-person households now make up 22.8% of all households in New Zealand, continuing a steady long-term rise in independent living. International research reinforces the trend: University College London studies estimate around 4% of people aged over 60 are currently in LAT relationships, with evidence suggesting it is particularly common among older women compared with remarriage or cohabitation in later life.
Similar patterns appear across OECD countries. UK social research has found that LAT relationships are more prevalent among older adults than younger age groups, often emerging after divorce, bereavement or later-life relationship formation. While exact prevalence varies by definition, academic estimates generally place LAT relationships between 3% and 10% of adults in high-income countries, depending on age cohort and whether relationships include regular cohabiting periods.
The reasons are practical as much as emotional. Research led by Coulter and colleagues at UCL highlights that many older adults weigh the financial and legal complexity of merging households against the benefits of maintaining independence. For some, the decision reflects a desire to avoid the upheaval of decoupling again — including selling property, combining assets, or renegotiating wills and inheritance structures.
Housing security is a major factor. With home ownership rates still uneven among older populations, keeping separate residences allows individuals to preserve housing assets for children or extended family. In some cases, maintaining separate homes also protects eligibility for pensions, supplements, or public housing entitlements, depending on jurisdictional rules.
Health and caregiving considerations also play a role. Some couples prefer to remain in separate homes to maintain autonomy in managing illness, mobility limitations, or care arrangements, reducing pressure on one partner to become a full-time caregiver. Others report that separate living arrangements allow relationships to remain positive without the strain of daily logistical dependency.
The structure of intimacy in LAT relationships differs from cohabitation but is often deliberately designed rather than incidental. Couples typically organise time together through scheduled visits, shared weekends, holidays, or alternating stays between homes. Qualitative studies suggest this arrangement can preserve a sense of novelty and reduce the accumulation of minor domestic frictions that often characterise long-term cohabitation.
However, researchers also note clear trade-offs. Some studies point to inequality in LAT arrangements, particularly where one partner has greater housing stability or financial independence. Others raise concerns about reduced access to informal care and emotional support, especially as partners age and health needs increase. LAT relationships may also reflect constraint rather than choice in some cases, particularly in high-cost housing markets where moving in together is financially impractical.
Despite these tensions, academic literature increasingly frames LAT as a stable relationship form rather than a transitional stage. Surveys suggest many participants report high levels of relationship satisfaction, particularly where both partners have chosen the arrangement freely and maintain consistent contact.
Far from signalling weaker commitment, LAT relationships suggest a diversification of how intimacy is structured. For a generation no longer bound to the assumption that partnership must equal cohabitation, living apart together represents a third model between traditional marriage and single life — one defined less by shared address, and more by shared intention.
